


Obstructed Light

by deviantgumiho



Series: Left Behind [2]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Gavin Reed Needs a Hug, Heavy Angst, Hurt Gavin Reed, Implied Suicide Attempts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, gavin reed seriously needs help, pain pain and more pain, trigger warning: self destructive behaviour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:14:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24885157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deviantgumiho/pseuds/deviantgumiho
Summary: "How does one cope with loss and grief?"Gavin might or might not have the right answer to that question.He never said that his methods were healthy though._________________________________TRIGGER WARNINGS CAN BE FOUND ON TAGS AND NOTES
Series: Left Behind [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1685842
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	Obstructed Light

**Author's Note:**

> hi there! after about a year later from the first work of this little series, I'm back again hurting gavin! as much as i love the raccoon-man i can't help but keep hurting him in any way possible oops! before we begin, I'd like to give you all a much needed heads up: 
> 
> THIS ONE SHOT WILL DEAL WITH TRIGGERING TOPICS SUCH AS: DEPRESSION, UNHEALTHY COPING MECHANISMS, VIOLENCE AND IMPLIED SUICIDE ATTEMPTS. 
> 
> I ADVISE YOU ALL TO READ WITH THIS WARNING IN MIND. IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW ARE GOING THROUGH HARDSHIPS REMEMBER:  
> YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE VALID. YOU DESERVE HELP. YOU DESERVE LOVE.
> 
> My inbox is always open, feel free to message me if you need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on ♡

Timid rays of morning sun tried to break through the heavy curtains of a silent and dark bedroom, where time seemed to have completely stopped, before the harsh blaring of an alarm went off, disrupting the silence and reminding that after all, time was still ticking. 

No efforts were made to stop the noise. There were no hands reaching out to snooze the alarm, no faint sounds of two shifting bodies lazily emerging from the warmth of their slumber. None of that.

As a matter of fact, Gavin hadn’t slept at all that night — nor the previous nights. He couldn’t.

Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was Nines’ thirium on his hands; thirium that stained his jacket in various parts, slowly blossoming like hypnotic, grotesque blue roses on the usually white fabric and Nines’ mangled figure.

Gavin was sitting up on his bed, with one of Nines’ shirts draped around his shoulders and his gaze blankly resting on the side where the android’s body should’ve been. He’d been very cautious not to lay on that side of the bed, scared that if he did, Nines’ trace would disappear. If he stared at the spot long enough, he could picture Nines’ body, his chest raising and lowering imperceptibly during his stasis. 

He wouldn’t even let his cat climb up on that side.

It’s been a week now since that dreadful day and six since he’s been dismissed from the hospital. Last time he had stepped foot inside the precinct was that same morning of the drug bust. For Gavin though, it felt like a lifetime ago. His perception of time seemed to have stopped at Nines’ final moments before looping back again to the start of that day. Gavin went over it countless times, thinking what he could’ve done to change what happened, what he would’ve liked to do or to tell Nines to express his love for him. He felt like he didn’t do that enough. 

Gavin’s mind was stuck in that abandoned, dusty apartment.

He still hadn’t fully realised it — or rather, didn’t want to process the fact that Nines was gone forever. Nines was unique and Cyberlife was shut down before they could even start mass producing a single biocomponent for the RK900 series. 

He was gone. 

Gavin finally made an effort to move when Cottonball, his Norwegian Forest, sat at his feet and started meowing to get his attention. He scratched the cat behind its ears, which was met with a pleased purr, before getting up to finally hit the snooze button on the alarm. He then checked his phone and groaned at the sight of numerous missed calls and text messages from Fowler, Tina and Connor — the latter even left a couple of voicemails. Gavin quickly went through them as he poured himself the first cup of coffee of the day. 

“ _ Hey, Gavin.. _ ” Connor’s voice echoed around the kitchen walls “ _ it’s me, Connor.. I know it’s not easy right now, for neither of us — especially for you.. _ ” He paused “ _ in any case, I want you to know that both Hank and I are here if you need us, okay? If you need someone to talk to or anything at all…we’re- _ “ Gavin interrupted the message to listen to the next one. 

After the initial beep, Connor’s voice resonated again “ _ Gavin, hey… I know how you’re feeling and I know you might not want anyone around right now but… Hank wanted me to ask you if you wanted to stop by for dinner? ..Or we can come at your place if you don’t wanna move! …Anyway, I hope to see you back at the precinct soon, don’t be a stranger…okay? _ ”

When the message ended, Gavin was staring at his hands, now holding two mugs, one of which contained decaffeinated thirium. Force of habit. He shook his head when his eyes started stinging, fighting back tears threatening to come out again. He sighed as he poured the content down the drain before rinsing the cup and placing it back inside the cupboard. 

Usually Gavin would sit at the table and watch Nines quickly whip something up for breakfast while he enjoyed his coffee. 

Now, Gavin would just grab his coffee and head to the living room. He’d flop on the couch and turn on the tv without really watching it. Sometimes he’d stay in that state for hours or at least until Cottonball would jump on his lap, demanding for either attention or food and he’d comply, filling up his automatic feeder.

He was a mess. He knew that but didn’t really have nor the energy or the will to change it. There was simply no point in doing anything. Nothing made sense anymore. 

His phone pinged as a new message came in. Gavin unlocked the phone and read the text without answering. He made his way back to the bedroom instead, crawling back onto the bed and curling up as he held Nine’s shirt close to his chest. As a couple more text messages flooded the screen of his phone, he just laid there, holding onto that shirt for dear life, fearing that ever-looming threat of crumbling down like a house of cards, had he let go of the crumpled up fabric. 

The stream of text messages stopped only to be replaced by an incoming call. His hand moved automatically. 

“Gavin I know you’re there” It was Tina.

“I know you’re hurting but please don’t go through this alone.” her voice begged him from the other end of the call. 

“Tina I…” he started. His voice came out brittle and croaky after not having spoken a word in days. He cleared his throat before continuing “…I know. I’m sorry if I’m making you worry but I’ll be okay, alright? I’ll see you at the precinct.” He hung up before she could say anything else and turned off his phone for the rest of the day. 

He brought the shirt to his face and closed his eyes as he felt the pain in his chest grow again, as warm tears rolled down his temple. 

When Gavin woke up again, the sun was almost gone. That was the only part of the day he’d finally open the curtains, letting in the faint light coming from the street lights. He made his way into the bathroom and looked at his own reflection in the mirror, staring back at him with empty eyes, reddened and puffy after crying for god knows how long and passing out. He then stepped into the shower and made himself somehow more presentable for yet another one of those nights. 

He needed to not feel anything. 

What was once one of his and Nine’s favourite things to do together, clubbing, was now Gavin’s coping mechanism. The loud, pumping music muted every thought inside his head and the fumes in the air made him feel hazy. Judging from the copious amounts of drinks he’d been offered by strangers, the nightclub’s blacklight made him look a thousand times more approachable than how he actually looked. He didn’t really enjoy this unwanted attention but at least he got free drinks out of it. 

The bass of the music was still booming even from the men’s bathroom and Gavin was too intoxicated by the nauseous perfume in the air and the alcohol in his bloodstream. He was too gone to even question how the hell did he end up inside this stall with this man who was drunkenly trying to rip open his shirt. Gavin couldn’t even recall this guy’s name — not that it mattered anyway. He just prayed that this would be over soon. 

Some minutes later Gavin walked out the bathroom, his shirt still open except for those last three buttons he’d buttoned, leaving his chest exposed. He beelined towards the exit and hauled a taxi back home. 

Once he reached his destination, he stepped out but before going up to his apartment, Gavin stopped by the local 24/7 mini market and bought himself a bottle of cheap whiskey. 

Gavin closed the door behind him with his foot and the lights turned on as he kicked off his shoes — the light sensors must’ve picked up the movement from one of his shoes flying across the living room. Gavin didn’t pay it too much attention; instead, he made his way to the bathroom, with the whiskey bottle still in his hands. 

The following morning, Gavin woke up inside his bathtub with a hammering headache and a nearly empty whiskey bottle on his lap. He grimaced as he tried to lift himself up only to tip over the bottle and spill the remaining liquid on himself.

“Fuck.” he hissed as he grabbed the bottle and threw it into the plastic bin next to the sink. Gavin then stripped from last night’s clothes, grimacing at the mixed smell of dried sweat and alcohol, and turned on the hot water faucet of his bathtub. 

Gavin had been soaking in the tub for some time now, he didn’t know how long he just knew that it’s been a while from the pruning of his fingers but at least the water was still warm. He relaxed and let his back slide down until water completely submerged him. He opened his eyes underwater. It stung at first but his eyes adapted quickly, his hearing was completely muffled from the water but all he could hear was the beating of his own heart, rhythmic and weirdly hypnotic. 

Gavin stared at the ceiling through the water and thought how he could actually end it all here but drowning had never been among his suicidal fantasies due to the simple fact that Gavin had this irrational fear of dying naked. He was pretty sure that whoever ended up finding his body would’ve been haunted by the vision of his bloated corpse for the rest of their life. 

Instead, Gavin was more of a heroic end person. If he had to die, he wanted to go at least by doing what he loved most — and that would’ve happened six months ago if it weren’t for Nines…

Gavin shut his eyes and sat up again, the base of his hands pressed to his eyes trying to push back tears that were starting to roll down his cheeks. He heaved, his whole body shaken by the wave of heavy sobbing. The sounds of his own chocked sobs mixed to the sound of the constant dripping from the tub faucet echoed around the apartment, making the atmosphere even more lonely than it was before.

Gavin eventually snapped back to reality, the water inside the tub had long gone cold. He wiped his tear lined cheeks with the back of his hand, a shaky sigh escaped from his lips, before resuming washing himself as if he hadn’t just spent a couple hours crying in the bathtub. 

After climbing out of the tub, he patted himself dry and wrapped the towel around his waist before grabbing his dirty clothes off the ground. Gavin swore as his phone slipped from the back pocket of his pants onto the floor and picked it up, jumping slightly when it coincidentally started ringing. Gavin looked at the caller ID and wondered whether he should reply or not. He sighed before pressing the green button. 

“Hank Anderson, to what do I owe the pleasure of this call?” Gavin sighed as he made his way to the bedroom, watching his steps as Cottonball slalomed between his legs.

“Gavin, how are you holding up kid?” It was weird to hear Hank call him that.

“I…” he trailed off as he held his phone between his ear and shoulder as he rummaged through his wardrobe for new clothes “…I honestly don’t know.” He shrugged his free shoulder, as if the old man could see him. 

“I don’t know how I’m feeling, hell I don’t even know what time it is for fuck sake. Everyday is the same shit over and over again,” his voice becoming louder with each word he spoke, his breathing itched as his heart rate picked up “I either wake up and cry until I pass out again or wake up and wander around this goddamn house like a zombie before I go out to get shit faced and bent over inside some nightclub bathroom stall.” Gavin angrily threw his clothes on his side of the bed. He didn’t really know why he was getting angry at Hank. No, he wasn’t angry at Hank. Hank just happened to listen to Gavin getting angry at himself.

“I don’t even know why I’m telling you, of all people, all this shit…” Gavin scoffed, his voice softening slightly to a defeated tone “You don’t have to go fatherly on my ass just because…” Gavin hesitated, chocking on his Nines’ name. He felt his chest tighten at the thought of having to use past tense for what he was about to say “…just because Nines was my fiancé. So you can stop pretending you care about me, old man. There is nothing left that ties us together.”

Hank sighed from the other end of the call before speaking up “You know it’s not like that, kid.” His tone was calm despite Gavin lashing out on him just a couple seconds before. 

“Sure at first, I put up with you just because you were with Nines and since I would never dare to say whom he could love or not, I just rolled with it” Hank paused and when he was sure that Gavin wouldn’t interrupt him he spoke again “But I saw it Gavin, I saw how much you two loved each other and how happy my son was because of you. At that point you were already family, Gavin. And you still are! That’s why both Connor and I are worried about you.” 

“You’re not alone in this, Gavin. You may have lost your soulmate but I have also lost a son” Gavin swore he heard Hank’s voice falter. “Which is something I prayed over and over again I would never have to go through again… and you know it very well how the first time almost fucked me up forever had it not been for Connor and then Nines.”

Neither of them said anything for a moment, static crackling faintly before Hank broke the silence again. 

“Just come back to work, Gavin. It might not be easy at first but at least you’ll have something to focus on during the day and I’m sure Fowler and the other kids would be pleased to see you back at precinct.”

Gavin, in the meantime, had calmed down and was now sitting at the end of his bed. He swallowed as he his fist clenched around his towel. He didn’t think he was ready to walk back through the doors of the precinct and see Nines’ empty desk adjacent to his. No he wasn’t ready yet but what difference did it make from staying at holed up in this apartment where he’d been living with Nines’ for the past 6 months?

“I’ll think about it…” Gavin replied in almost a whisper and nodded as the old man told him he hoped to see him soon before hanging up. Gavin stared at his phone for a moment, thinking about what Hank had said, how he needed to busy himself in some less self-destructive way. A shiver ran down his spine, reminding him he still had to dress up. 

______________

  
  


That night Gavin went out again. Different club, same old drill — except this time he had no interest for the various men or androids that approached him, offering him a good time. Gavin just keep drinking and flipping them off. Which had worked until a young man approached him and judging by the slight wobble when he stood still and the way some of his words came out in an incomprehensible slur, he was heavily intoxicated and god knows high on whatever was on the streets these days. 

Gavin tried to get him off his back by giving him that same treatment as the others before him only to realise he may have just flipped off the wrong guy because a brief second later the guy was all up his face. Gavin was almost impressed at how quickly he reacted considering the state he was in. He could see a wild raging fire behind the stranger’s eyes, making him look insane and downright dangerous. Tiny beads of sweat glistened on his forehead, appearing as a sheen veil of glitter under the neon lights of the bar. Though Gavin himself was quite drunk too, he recognised every sign there was in a red ice induced rage. 

Now, Gavin was no wimp. He was physically trained for combat, he’d sparred various times with the twins in the gym at the precinct and everybody knew he was the only one who was able to keep up with them. He could handle this pumped up prick any day had he been sober, which was not his current case. Gavin tried to put distance distance between them by leaning away from the brute but before he could be at a comfortable distance, the guy grabbed him by the collar of his leather jacket. Things were just about to go downhill from there and he knew that. 

“Who the fuck are you to flip me off like this, huh?!” the guy growled “You need to be taught a lesson, you fucking bitch!” he started dragging him towards the bathrooms, causing quite the commotion. Some stared, dumbstruck by the scene happening in front of them, while others started signalling to go get the bouncer. 

Gavin got rammed into the wall opposite the bathroom door as soon as the guy dragged him there, letting out a choked whimper from both the impact and the other guy’s hand squeezing his throat. He grimaced as the other got once again way too close to his face. He grunted and hissed as he struggled to free himself from the death grip, without much success.

“Not so brave now, eh?” the guy scoffed, never backing away from Gavin, instead he leaned even closer. Gavin wished he had his gun with him right now, he would’ve blown this guy’s brain up without hesitation. 

He need to free himself this shitty situation and he needed act quickly. Relying solely on the adrenaline in his body, Gavin kneed him in the groin and he expected the guy bent forward, loosing the grip on his neck. Gavin felt on his knees, coughing and breathing sharply. He was sure his neck would be bruised as hell tomorrow. 

“Now you’ve done it!” they guy charged again, pinning him down to the floor. He then started punching Gavin, who tried to block as many hits as he could but the guy was strong and under effect.

By the time the bouncer broke into the bathroom and dragged Gavin’s aggressor away from him, Gavin was a bloody mess. Even more cuts adorned his face now, along with a broken nose, busted lip and slit eyebrow. A couple of people from the staff rushed in to help him get up, offering to call an ambulance which Gavin refused. Yet they kept insisting, long enough to make Gavin burst. 

“I said I don’t need a fucking ambulance!” he shouted, leaving everyone startled “Just... call the cops for that guy...” his voice softened slightly as he started making his way out, ending in almost a whisper “I’m outta here..”

Gavin stopped by the bar counter and ordered gin. The bartender was about to put away the bottle when Gavin stopped him and slammed some bills on the counter before grabbing the bottle and finally leaving that place.

While he waited for his taxi, he took a long sip from the bottle and grimaced as the alcohol touched his lips, stinging to the point of seeing stars. He felt lightheaded and when the taxi arrived, he flopped inside and inputted the first address that came to his hazy mind. 

“You’ve reached your destination” was all the mechanical voice announced before the doors slid open. Gavin wobbled out and found himself in front of Hank’s house. 

He didn’t really know why he was here, hell he didn’t even know why he inserted Hank’s address to begin with. Gavin sighed before chugging down more gin, more as liquid courage than as a way to get even drunker. 

His steps were unsteady. He even tripped over the small step of the porch before ringing the doorbell, his arm instinctively jolting forward and pressing his hand next to the doorframe to prevent himself from faceplanting the door. Gavin ringed the bell once again, this time pressing for about 15 seconds. 

His eyelids were heavy, whether it was from the black-eye that prick gave him or from the gin induced drowsiness, he didn’t know but he was too tired and too drunk and the adrenaline was starting to wear off. The door opened just in time, right before his arm and knees gave up.

Gavin jerked awake from the nightmare, or rather, the memory that kept playing on a loop every night inside his mind. Instinctively, he stretched out his left arm, looking for Nine’s shirt only to grab air. His eyes widened in panic as he jolted up, now more awake than ever, before realising that he wasn’t in his apartment. 

“You’re up” Hank’s voice came from behind him. Gavin turned to see him sat that the table, the old man greeted him by tilting his mug in his direction “Connor said you were pretty fucked up and collapsed as soon as he opened the door. What happened?”

“Why do you care…” Gavin muttered before sighing, a hand buried inside Sumo’s fur, absentmindedly scratching his neck “Some drunken prick high on red ice didn’t appreciate me flipping him off after he made a move on me, so he thought it was a good idea to beat the living shit out of me inside the men’s bathroom.”

“Jesus Christ, someone must really like up there.” Hank shook his head before diverting his gaze towards the hallway “Morning, son”

Connor was fixing up his neck tie with his free hand while the other held a first aid kit, smiling softly as he walked into the living room “Morning, Hank. Gavin.”

Gavin felt a lump in his throat. Had it not been for minor differences such as the colour of their eyes or the fact that Connor’s hair was curlier, Gavin would’ve thought he was tripping and was looking at Nines.

Except he wasn’t.

He looked away, slightly moving away when the android sat next to him. Connor set the box on the coffee table and opened it “Do you even know how long it took me to fix you up?”

“Oh, I’m sorry I interrupted your beauty sleep” Gavin scoffed “It’s not like I asked to get beaten up, you know- Ow!” He flinched as Connor started checking his wounds. 

“Hold still, I need to clean your cuts.” Connor carefully treated Gavin’s wounds and reapplied new bandages “That one’s gonna leave a nasty scar.” He remarked, pointing at the cut on Gavin’s right eyebrow. 

“No scar on my face will ever be nastier than this one” Gavin pointed at the scar that ran across his nose bridge “plus slit eyebrows are cool.” Smirking as the android shook his head disapprovingly.

“Anyway, we’re gonna be late for work Hank” Connor announced as he closed the first aid kit. Hank nodded as he got up and went into his room to get changed. Connor then turned to Gavin, who was hunching forward, his head between his hand. 

“What about you, Gavin?”

“Just drop me off at my apartment” sighed and he stood up “my head is killing me.” 

Connor nodded and walked away. Gavin slipped on his shoes and after patting Sumo, he got ready to leave. 

Back at his apartment, Gavin realised how that morning was the most talking he’d done in the past week and it could’ve been pleasant had it not been for the hammering headache and and the cut on his lip, which throbbed and stung whenever he spoke. He tried not to think too much about the pain and took some Advil to deal with his hangover. The faint jingling of Cottonball’s collar alerted Gavin of the cat’s presence at his feet, staring expectantly at him.

“You got a staring problem, buddy?” Gavin chuckled, before picking him up and heading to the bedroom with the intention to sleep the hangover off.

______________

  
  


It took two more days for Gavin to muster up the courage to walk through the precinct doors again. Everybody was surprised to see him there although it wasn’t easy for them not to feel slightly unease around him. Gavin could see how his colleagues struggled to meet his eyes and how they’d quickly run out of topics in the coffee room, at which he’d roll his eyes and excuse himself with a simple “I’m out” before heading back to his desk. 

It wasn’t long before Fowler put him back on his old duties, so fast forward another week and Gavin was working again on field, partnering up with Chris Miller like old times. Gavin was back on the red ice team and while Chris did his best to keep up with him, Gavin couldn’t help but think how easy it was with Nines by his side. He remembered the terrified faces of the dealers after Nines had cornered them after a chase, or how his partner easily subdued them in case they retaliated.

As much as he liked being back on board, he couldn’t deny the fact that he’d developed a particular hatred for red ice dealers, thinking how they were the cause of Nines’ death. Gavin started taking every lead and every case on a personal side. He started caring less and less, every chase was a constant bet on whether he was going to return to the precinct without a scratch or rushed to the hospital, leaving Miller behind to wrap everything up. 

Fowler had started questioning his own decision to reinstate Gavin, although he couldn’t deny that the man was doing his job even better than before. 

A new lead came in and Gavin had to collaborate with both Hank and Connor. Apparently more and more androids were being found in back alleys, deactivated and drained of their thirium. It didn’t take long to track down the culprits and uncover a whole red ice production chain that was operating in a ramshackle warehouse by some abandoned docks.

The first part of the bust proceeded according to plans. What they found inside the warehouse was not only several hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of red ice ready to hit the streets, but also a couple of shipping containers, full of dormant AP700 androids. Connor had determined from their production dates, that they’ve been stored here since the days prior to the shutdown of Cyberlife. 

Those androids found throughout Detroit were just unlucky victims. 

The main source of free thirium was right in front of them. 

Captain Allen ordered his team to seize everything that was inside the warehouse, Miller and other officers started taking out their tablets, already focused on filing the reports. 

“Something feels off” Gavin stated, looking around as he ventured deeper in the warehouse with Connor and Hank. He was advancing cautiously, keeping a firm grip on his service gun with his index near the trigger “there’s no way they’d just let us waltz in like this.”

“Maybe they got a whiff of what was about to happen and left before we could get them.” Hank too had his gun out, pointed to the ground “Coast looks clear to me.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that.” Gavin muttered “If I were them, I wouldn’t just leave my turf like this, especially if we’re talking about very valuable turf. Let’s split up, see if we can find anything else.” 

Despite Connor being vocal about not being very fond of the his initiative, Gavin sped up his step, leaving the two behind. 

Gavin knew they wouldn’t just disappear and leave all that evidence behind. They were hiding like rats and Gavin was determined to find them. 

A movement at the corner of his eye caught his attention. Gavin moved to investigate, holding his gun high and ready to fire. He knew that advancing alone was risky but he really wanted to catch them red handed. He was aware of the fact it wouldn’t end well, yet he advanced. Something inside him clicked, screaming at him to call for backup or just alert the other officers. Gavin ignored that voice inside his head. 

He was about to turn a corner when someone shoved him hard against one of the containers, before making a run for it. Gavin was sure that the loud thud from the impact had been heard from everybody in that warehouse. Gavin ran after him.

“Detective Reed!” Connor’s voice resonated from somewhere behind him.

Gavin found out at his own expenses that rushing after a criminal without proper backup was the most idiotic thing he could do. But did he care? 

Of course not. Gavin couldn’t be bothered about his own sense of self-preservation and was sure Fowler would’ve apprehend him once they all got back to the precinct, but at least he would’ve gotten the job done. 

If he actually made it back to the precinct, that is. 

The sunset was particularly pretty that day, fiery orange slowly bleeding into the vast blue and Gavin thought how he would’ve loved to watch that same scenery from the balcony of his apartment. Instead, he was lying against an empty container a few metres outside the backside of the warehouse, grinning like an idiot at the contrast between the beauty of the sky and the absolute chaos around him. 

Connor was hovering over him, looking left and right and barking orders to somebody, while pressing, what Gavin reckoned to be a torn off sleeve from Connor’s shirt, on his left side. He grimaced as the android kept applying pressure. 

Gavin’s whole body felt heavy, and overall numb except for the jabbing pain coming from his fucked up side. He just wanted to sleep but Connor kept slapping his cheek, in an attempt to keep him awake. The android said something but it sounded muffled to Gavin’s ears, covered by some sort of static, although he was pretty sure Connor said something along the lines of “Don’t you fall asleep, Gavin.” and “Stay with me, help will be here soon.”

Nosy prick. Who did he think he was to order him not to sleep?!

As time passed, Gavin felt more and more tired. He looked up to the sky once again, finding it hard to focus. If this was how he was gonna die, he would welcome Death with open arms. He’s always wanted a heroic death, after all. 

Even on the verge of dying, Gavin thought about Nines.

He wondered if Nines felt scared, as he laid in a pool of his own thirium, much like Gavin was, except for the fact that they bled different colours. Gavin thought how unfair it was that he got to stare at such a beautiful sight while all Nines got to see was the mouldy ceiling of an abandoned apartment. Everything went out of focus again as Connor’s panicked face hovered over his before it all went black, his eyelids giving up on him. 

It was a lot like falling asleep. Slowly, then all at once. Gavin felt as if a heavy cloak was covering him from head to toe. Sometimes, the absolute darkness would be interrupted by visions of a life with Nines. They weren’t really his own memories replaying in his head. It was more like observing himself laughing and acting goofy with Nines. 

Other times he’d find himself laying on his bed, quietly observing Nines in his sleep. He’d make an attempt to move away a straying strand of hair from his eyes but would always retract his hand, fearing that the contact alone would make his figure fade away.

______________

  
  


Gavin found himself in his apartment — or rather, an empty version of it. He looked around, holding his breath when his eyes met Nines’ figure, standing with his back to Gavin in front of the door. 

“…Nines?” Nines turned and smiled a lopsided smile, a shadow of sadness clouded his eyes. Gavin slowly approached him, fighting the urge to just throw himself into the android’s arms. 

“Am I dead?” Gavin asked, a set of green eyes staring expectantly into ice blue ones as if looking for the answer before it could be delivered. Nines just kept smiling as he slowly shook his head. 

“You shouldn’t be here, Gavin...” he replied softly, before stepping closer to Gavin. When he got close enough, Nines brought his hand to cup Gavin’s cheek and frowned as he looked at the other’s expression crumble when he felt the absence of his touch. 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t stay with you longer...” Nines continued. His voice soft and pained.

“W-what do you mean...” Gavin’s voice trembled and broke on the last word, a first tear rolling down his cheek and through Nines’ ghost touch. 

“I guess this is my last chance to say goodbye, Gav...” Nines slightly curled the corners of his lips, trying to give him a tight smile “I’ve always loved you so much and I always will... Even if I’m no longer there. Promise me you’ll keep living, it’ll take time to heal but please,” Nines paused, this time giving the detective a soft smile “you have to keep living.” 

“Nines...” Gavin’s voice cracked, his eyes shaking in panic as he watched Nines step away from him and towards the door. He tried to reach out, only to be met with the heartbreaking sensation of his own hand grabbing air. 

Nines was already on the other side of the door, with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. The pain inside Gavin’s chest grew as he caught one last glimpse of Nines’ face crumbling in tears. 

The door shut closed.

“No… no, no no!” Gavin muttered as he staggered towards the door “Please be there, please…!” He yanked the door open, screaming Nines’ name, only to be met with white nothingness. 

Gavin slowly opened his eyes. The emptiness of the space around him from before had been now replaced by a digital panel, the hospital’s logo glowed steadily on the sleek surface that curved down where the ceiling connected to the wall behind his bed and the faint and constant beeping of the built-in EGK, displaying his vitals above his head. The sound of someone shifting on the sofa beside his bed caught his attention. 

Connor was too immersed in a book, most likely one of Hank’s old paperback books, to notice that Gavin had awakened. In a chair opposite to his bed, slightly hunched over, Hank was snoozing away, his arms crossed over his chest. His head was sort of swaying back and forth due to his posture. 

“…Connor?” Gavin mumbled, his voice coming out as a weak croak that he thought no one could hear. But Connor’s fine audio processors must’ve picked up the sound cause his head snapped up from the book before swiftly getting up and calling over Hank. The old man jerked awake and once his eyes focused on Gavin, he got up and approached the foot of his bed. 

“Gavin, finally you’re awake. How do you feel?”

Gavin tried to sit up but desisted as soon as he felt a jabbing pain coming from his left side, grimacing as he flopped down again on the too stiff hospital mattress. Connor noticed it and carefully helped him up into a sitting position, adjusting the pillows behind his back. 

“What are you two doing here?” He asked, ignoring Connor’s concerned gaze.

“Oh you know, just checking the place out. See if it’s suitable for a decrepit lieutenant like me.” Hank joked, earning a look from Connor “What, can’t lighten up the mood a little?”

“I’ll go fetch a nurse or something.” Hank shrugged before heading out, closing the door behind him. 

“Your little stunt at the warehouse almost cost you your life, Gavin,” Connor started once he was sure Hank wasn’t within earshot, his eyebrows pulled together in a scowl “what made you think it was a great idea rushing in without backup?”

Gavin’s grimace turned into an expression that mirrored Connor’s scowl. He hadn’t even opened his eyes for five minutes and Connor was already on his case. “Oh give me a break, you uptight asshole.”

“If it wasn’t for me those shits would’ve gotten away with it as well as the rest of the case.”

“You almost died, Gavin.” Connor remarked, his voice calm yet firm at the same time. 

Gavin, on the other hand, was starting to get fired up as the beeping of the machine keeping track of his heart rate increased consequently.

“What about it?” Gavin asked flatly “So what if I died? Just one less asshole for you to worry about.” His voice gradually raised with each word he spoke, venom and built up despair gradually seeping through. 

“I’ve said it before and I’ll gladly repeat it in case it still isn’t clear for you — Nines is gone, so you can stop pretending we’re family.” He paused, the familiar stinging sensation of tears starting to well up in his eyes creeping up once again, blurring the sight of Connor’s LED turning red for a split second before going back to yellow, his frown gradually softening something more upset. 

“He was my everything and now…” he trailed off, pressing his lips in a tight line before speaking up again “It’s a continuous nightmare, you know? I can’t even remember the last time I had a good night sleep, ‘cause every goddamn time I close my eyes I’m thrown back in there with him literally bleeding out in my fucking arms.”

“And I couldn’t do anything to stop it. There isn’t a single day in which I don’t wish I could go back in time, redo everything differently. Just to have him back with me again. But I can’t do that, I can’t undo what happened so here I am,” the first tears rolled down his cheeks “forced to live in a world without him.” he said, emphasising an air quote on the word ‘live’. 

“I understand where you’re getting at, Gavin, but please calm down.” Connor raised his hands in front of himself, his eyes darting from Gavin to his vitals on the digital panel behind him. His LED spinning a firm yellow. 

“No Connor, you don’t. I’m fucking tired of pretending,” Gavin continued “tired of seeing him everywhere I look — fuck, it pains me to even look at you ‘cause-” he gestured vaguely at Connor, his mouth opening and closing without finishing the sentence, before defeatedly dropping his arms.

“I’ve nothing left so hate to break it to ya, I couldn’t give a damn if I ended up dead.” Gavin managed to choke out, his voice brittle and quiet.

A heavy silence fell between the two, interrupted only by the sound of hospital machinery. Gavin broke off the gaze, choosing to stare at his fists clenching around the soft fabric of the blanket. 

“Leave me alone, please.” He said quietly.

“Gavin-“ Connor made to reach out.

“Get. Out!” Gavin lashed out, his vision blurred by tears he was trying his best to hold back.

Connor frowned, his lips pressed in a thin line. The idea of leaving Gavin alone in such a fragile state was far from his comfort zone, but he understood not to push the man even further. Reluctantly, he nodded and turned on his heels, silently leaving the room. 

As soon as the door closed with a muted click, Gavin let go of himself. Every barrier he had held up, crumbled to dust under the weight of his pain. Tears kept flooding his vision and Gavin did nothing to stop them. 

______________

  
  


Once again, Gavin cried himself numb. 

With no tears left to cry and his eyes were horribly bloodshot and puffed and a hammering pain inside his head, Gavin just stared at the glittering wonder that was Detroit at night, with its bright advertising panels and polished glass skyscrapers that seemed to emit a light of their own. Several feet below his balcony, the streets were still busy and noisy with people, cars, androids. 

Detroit at night was as alive as ever. 

Yet Gavin didn’t feel alive. The energy of the city was so far from him.

An empty shell, that was what was left of him, a man who was well beyond breaking point with nothing left but memories. Memories that hurt him more than any of the countless wound and scars that decorated his body. 

He had everything but the universe decided to take it all away from him. They took Nines away from him. And with him, his hopes and promises of happiness. 

Gavin had nothing left. 

He zoned in at a blinking red light far ahead. The sounds of the city below him had turned into a constant buzzing noise in his ears. 

He started reaching out for that light, maybe if he just leaned more towards it he could also get a hold of it.

There. Just a little bit more.

Then, the light slipped from him.


End file.
